inadequate description being used

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i feel alone. i feel like the world is big. i feel like time is fast and i am slow. and there is no one out there who's accessible. like everyone is far away. moving on their moving sidewalks. everyone has a place to go and a place to be. the people on the streets, who i walk by. they feel miles away. i don't like walking on the streets. i had to walk home from downtown on friday and it was uncomfortable.

i'm going to therapy tomorrow. i'll probably have to walk home again because my dad took the car. and he's been gone for three days. tomorrow is today. it's 3 in the morning. i don't have many hours left to sleep. i took sleeping pills. dear everyone, i abuse sleeping pills. everyone knows it. i know. they know. i know you know i know. i'll take more later. but i feel like i'm gonna be sick from these in the morning. i hear mourning doves from my window.

once upon a time, a mourning dove sat on my front porch. she was calm. she let me sit by her and she wouldn't fly away. she seemed sick. she was there for days and days. then one morning, i followed a trail of feathers around my house to a spot in my overgrown backyard, where she lay dead. her chest to the sky. she had a hole in her chest. right where her heart would be. i assume she was killed by the feral cats around my house. i felt sad for her. i wrapped her up and put her in my freezer. i'll bring her back to life one day. one day i'll give her a name. i'll peel back the skin and make her new.

i got in trouble for saying that i skin animals in my therapy group the other day. the staff didn't know i was talking about taxidermy. they have a rule about not describing in detail anything violent or abusive. i didn't know taxidermy was violent..or abusive. they must think i'm a psycho who skins animals for fun. it's kind of funny.. and kind of a not. i feel ashamed. for no reason at all. but maybe i should be. maybe i am a freakazoid. maybe i'm crazy.

this journal feels disjointed.
i don't even know why i'm writing a journal.
i don't want to go to therapy.

look, a bear chair.


two

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