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caleb sat next to an empty chair. the one that used to be filled by you.
i saw caleb quickly wiping away tears that came creeping from his eyes every now and then. so no one would see them. but i saw them. and i remembered you, raising your hand to read out of the book in history class, even though you had a stutter. it never seemed to stop you. i always saw you smiling.
but that terrible monday, i saw your friends cry. i heard randy scream. i saw angelo break down and shut down. and heard everybody crying out loud to a ghost that we couldn't believe was real. but we knew it was the truth when we heard it on the intercom...that you were dead. everyone's tears flooded our school and the crying echoed through the air all the way to your funeral, where i saw your body and i touched your hand. it was cold and blue. that's when i really realized that you were never coming back. i would never see you again. that body i've touched will be buried in the dirt and rot away. all we have is your memory. there will never be another you.
sometimes i wonder what was said that night at your house that weekend before you did it.
i know there was an argument. what did your parents say? and was it so bad?
and i wonder what went through your head that night
when you ran away and went into the barn.
and why it had to take your dad so long to go after you.
your dad, he said he found you still clutching the rope you put around your neck.
he believed you changed your mind at the last second.
he carved your name into the horse stall you were hanging over.
i saw caleb quickly wiping away tears that came creeping from his eyes every now and then. so no one would see them. but i saw them. and i remembered you, raising your hand to read out of the book in history class, even though you had a stutter. it never seemed to stop you. i always saw you smiling.
but that terrible monday, i saw your friends cry. i heard randy scream. i saw angelo break down and shut down. and heard everybody crying out loud to a ghost that we couldn't believe was real. but we knew it was the truth when we heard it on the intercom...that you were dead. everyone's tears flooded our school and the crying echoed through the air all the way to your funeral, where i saw your body and i touched your hand. it was cold and blue. that's when i really realized that you were never coming back. i would never see you again. that body i've touched will be buried in the dirt and rot away. all we have is your memory. there will never be another you.
sometimes i wonder what was said that night at your house that weekend before you did it.
i know there was an argument. what did your parents say? and was it so bad?
and i wonder what went through your head that night
when you ran away and went into the barn.
and why it had to take your dad so long to go after you.
your dad, he said he found you still clutching the rope you put around your neck.
he believed you changed your mind at the last second.
he carved your name into the horse stall you were hanging over.
is anybody still there?
Hey everyone, anyone...
I just wanted to say hi.
And that I'm still here and alive.
And thank you, to those who are still here.
I'd like to post some new stuff if you're interested. I've been away for so long and so much has happened, so I'm not sure where to start or what to say. But I figured this is as good a start as any.
Hi.
the memory of a bird haunts me
and all the awful things you said. wondering if you really felt them. of course you did...you faded from light blue to dark black.
it's been six months. and i didn't realize how self destructive i was until tonight. when i almost called you. just so you'd yell at me.
how fucked is that
what kind of person hates themselves so much and needs so much attention that they would think of calling someone who hates them. just to get into an inevitable fight. just to feel like shit. on top of shit. when they have perfectly loving arms to fall into. me.
if this were a piece of paper, it would
have drawings of little leaves everywhere.
we go outside.
you french inhale your smoke
there's something hypnotizing about a flame.
about you.
that i like.
and i find that i love you.
the way you talk.
with your lips.
i don't understand how you see me as beautiful.
on the inside and the out.
see me as something special and rare.
that you'll just fuck up.
and of course i don't believe you.
and i still think that people can change.
sometimes i can't figure out why we ended up back together.
and how we can fit so perfect, and so dangerous.
you're fire and i'm a tree.
orange and green.
we're still the same people we used to be.
i don't
screaming
to loud music before it gets too late to scream.
living in these apartments. i'm just another cube in a building.
i'm doing everything i can think of to occupy my thoughts.
cigarette after cigarette. i'm tired of going outside.
i got a long message from a girl who hates me now.
who blames me for all her problems now. how could i do this to her.
leave her in this mess. words. more words. i can't read what she's writing anymore because i'm getting tears in my eyes.
so i scream.
i'm waiting and hoping for alex to come soon...
otherwise i think i'm gonna explode or hurt myself.
© 2012 - 2024 Cwoz
Comments24
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Casey, I love your entries. This one really hit home for me. A close friend of mine took her life in this same way less than a year ago... I miss her every day and think of her fondly. I look back on the memories we shared and I'm still close with her family. She was the same; she was sunshine incarnate... I guess we never really know what people are going through, or thinking inside their own minds...