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caleb sat next to an empty chair. the one that used to be filled by you.
i saw caleb quickly wiping away tears that came creeping from his eyes every now and then. so no one would see them. but i saw them. and i remembered you, raising your hand to read out of the book in history class, even though you had a stutter. it never seemed to stop you. i always saw you smiling.

but that terrible monday, i saw your friends cry. i heard randy scream. i saw angelo break down and shut down. and heard everybody crying out loud to a ghost that we couldn't believe was real. but we knew it was the truth when we heard it on the intercom...that you were dead. everyone's tears flooded our school and the crying echoed through the air all the way to your funeral, where i saw your body and i touched your hand. it was cold and blue. that's when i really realized that you were never coming back. i would never see you again. that body i've touched will be buried in the dirt and rot away. all we have is your memory. there will never be another you.

sometimes i wonder what was said that night at your house that weekend before you did it.
i know there was an argument. what did your parents say? and was it so bad?

and i wonder what went through your head that night
when you ran away and went into the barn.
and why it had to take your dad so long to go after you.

your dad, he said he found you still clutching the rope you put around your neck.
he believed you changed your mind at the last second.
he carved your name into the horse stall you were hanging over.
  • Listening to: in the arms of the angel
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:iconmiddlenamearthur:
middlenamearthur Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
Casey, I love your entries. This one really hit home for me. A close friend of mine took her life in this same way less than a year ago... I miss her every day and think of her fondly. I look back on the memories we shared and I'm still close with her family. She was the same; she was sunshine incarnate... I guess we never really know what people are going through, or thinking inside their own minds...
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:iconcwoz:
Cwoz Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012   Traditional Artist
i'm sorry she did that. it's always heartbreaking in a way that...is hard to describe. and that horrible unanswered "why?"

i just hope you can take away from it what i did. that so many people care about you. more than you will ever know. and it affects people you don't even know. like my picture about james and his grandmother...i bet he never knew his actions would affect me. at all. let alone the way that they did. i just like to remember that when i'm feeling hopeless.

again. i'm really sorry about your friend.
lets hope she's in a good place now.
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:iconnoxious-melancholy:
noxious-melancholy Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012
Is this true?
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:iconcwoz:
Cwoz Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   Traditional Artist
i was tripping on some pills i shouldn't have taken when i wrote this...
but yeah. it happened when i was in high school.

my friend hung himself in his family's barn the weekend before finals. my friends and i got to school petty early and the first thing we heard from someone was that he had killed himself. and me and my friends thought it was just some cruel joke, told him it wasn't funny. and we walked away in disbelief. but then they announced it on the loud speaker at school. and then we knew that the rumors where true. it was such a shock, because he was so sweet and smiley and bubbly. and this just happens out of the blue. everyone. and i mean everyone just cried. you could feel the sad tension in the air. and they canceled classes so the students could go to the guidance councilors to talk.
his death was on the front page of the newspaper. and it really shook the whole community. i swear there were hundreds at his funeral. i bet he never knew how loves he actually was. even people who didn't know him attended it. and were crying. each time someone i know kills themselves...it just reminds me how astounding of an effect it has on people. and how the ripples of it never truly end.

i was just feeling so sad that night i wrote this. because my friend now, was telling me how she was going to kill herself. you may think no one will care. but for every person who you think would care or be affected, there's like...dozens and dozens more.

sorry bout the big wall of words. it's just something i've had one my mind for a while now.
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:iconnoxious-melancholy:
noxious-melancholy Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
Yeah. Well it was really powerful. It's terrible that it happened, but I think you took something really important away from it.

And don't apologize about the length of the reply. Thanks for telling me.
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:iconcwoz:
Cwoz Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   Traditional Artist
what i took away...was definitely important. definitely.
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:iconnoxious-melancholy:
noxious-melancholy Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
Agreed.
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:iconstitchedxtogether:
stitchedXtogether Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
I'm going to say as much as I feel needs to be said. Sometimes that's not very much for me. But I'm sorry. I wish I could help.
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:iconbaberscamille:
baberscamille Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student General Artist
oh. i'd apologize, but that never helps
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:icontasteslikeinsanity:
TastesLikeInsanity Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
oh casey i'm so sorry. i don't know what to say, i feel horrible that your friend felt like that was his only option, because it never is no matter how much it hurts. i'm no good in these types of situations but if you ever wanna talk i'm here i hope you feel better soon
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:iconcwoz:
Cwoz Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   Traditional Artist
it happened a while ago.
i was having hard night, with someone dear to me telling me they wanted to die. and feeling similar myself. this friend from school came to mind. he's always on my mind. i think of him often. really just to realize how huge of an impact it had. it's a good thing to remember. that when you think you have no one...you really have...so many people. more than you could know.
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:icontasteslikeinsanity:
TastesLikeInsanity Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
i hope you never forget that because i know how it feels to lay awake at night and wonder if any one really cares about its a horrible empty feeling, as if theres a black hole in your chest. remember i am always more than happy to talk to you
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:iconcwoz:
Cwoz Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012   Traditional Artist
i hope i never forget it either.
thank you so much. so so much
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:icontasteslikeinsanity:
TastesLikeInsanity Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
no prob. i'm always here for you
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:icontoxicdesolation:
ToxicDesolation Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Casey...I'm so sorry. Things like that affect us greatly and is so scarring...I wish that it would never happen, but unfortunetly it does...and i can say this: nobody wants to die, we just want to escape the pain that overtakes us. it becomes overwhelming. ive felt it before.
casey, you're a beautiful person and even though i dont know you personally, i know that a lot of people love you. please don't ever do that...you'd be hurting so many people. use your experience; you know how it made you feel. imagine how all of your loved ones would feel...
and you deserve to be living. you are an amazing person, and you have so much potential. you have so much to live for. it's easy to take for granted the life that we have and to let the pain take over us. but you just have to make it through one step followed by another. we all stumble and get knocked down, but you've gotta keep moving.
things will scar us and haunt us forever, but you can't give up. so many people love you and even though im just a girl on the internet who finds comfort in your art, i love you too. you've helped me through painful situations with your art, like you still are right now. the past few nights just looking at your art and reading your journals have helped me. they really have. and im not just saying that. no body elses' art has helped me to find comfort in dark times but yours. i don't want to lose you just like your actual family and friends don't want to lose you.
it's so tough just to make it through, but casey, there are so much rewards and beautiful things to look forward to. stay focused on the path ahead of you; don't glance over your shoulder to look at the path you've already conquered. please keep going. please don't give up. we love you too much...
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:iconcwoz:
Cwoz Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   Traditional Artist
thank you.

that's why i was writing this journal. my friend was talking about wanting to die..and i didn't know what to do. and sometimes i feel like dying too. but knowing how many people were so shaken from it (more people than i'm sure he ever would have imagined) cried for him and grieved.... it reminds me that the hurting never ends when you take your own life. people he didn't even know cried. and they all packed into the funeral. the building was literally overflowing, i kid you not. his death was on the front page of the newspaper. everyone in the community pretty much, was affected.

i guess i was just upset that night and needed some rational thinking, to remind myself.
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:icontoxicdesolation:
ToxicDesolation Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
the best thing to do is be there for them and encourage them to talk to somebody trusted about it. just talk to her and comfort her and remind her how many people love her. and Casey,if you ever feel like that, or you just need to talk about anything, i'm always here for you. you can talk to me about anything. i'll always listen and be there for you no matter what. ive felt like dying too. and ive been going through a very dark time, and ive felt utter hopelessness, so i know what it feels like. and it also helps to talk through journals like this, at least that's sort of helped me. but seriously, im always here for you. things like this i take very seriously.
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:iconcwoz:
Cwoz Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   Traditional Artist
i did, and do. it's hard sometimes.

thank you. so much. :heart:
really.
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:icontoxicdesolation:
ToxicDesolation Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
hang in there. :heart::heart:
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:iconpaper-starrs:
paper-starrs Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
i'm so sorry. i almost cried reading this. i just can't believe that..anybody would think that was their only option.. i wish i had something better to say, something with more meaning, but.. that's all i have. i'm not good at this. but really. i'm so sorry. ♥
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:iconcwoz:
Cwoz Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   Traditional Artist
it's okay...i mean it's not okay. but i'm okay.
i just wrote it because i was feeling hopeless. and i needed to remind myself of the magnitude of that action. so many more people would be affected by it more than you could even imagine.
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:iconsuperhyperjellybean:
superHyperjellyBean Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry Casey
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:iconiownthestars:
iOwnTheStars Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i'm sorry
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:icondisabledaffections:
DisabledAffections Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
So, I just spent half an hour writing out a comment that my computer erased...let's try this again.

Maybe the ripples never go away.
But they do blend.

Have you ever thrown a rock into the ocean?
I have.
One year at camp they told us all to throw a rock in, and that the ripples represented how we touched the lives of people we met.
How they would forever be a part of us, just like the ripples were forever a part of the ocean.
I know sometimes those ripples can be pretty powerful, and they can turn into a wave. Like the ones that threw us over in Bodega.
But they blend.
Just like how the seasons blend. And how memories blend.

I know that we're both hurt.
I know we both say we want to die sometimes. But. We're really just tired.
And we want to be happy. Sometimes, it doesn't feel like happiness is possible.
But I've asked a lot of people if they're happy with their lives, they all say yes.
You know, nobody wants to live in the snow forever.
Depression is like.
It's like those days when you're so cold you can't get warm.
But you walk outside and the sun breaks through the clouds for just a moment, and you stand in the light. And it warms you up all over, and it feels so good.
If the sun can break through clouds, we can break though our depression.
You know, the sun is always there. Even if you can't see it.

I know that things can be painful sometimes. Like when you went into the hospital.
I thought you were never coming back. But you did. Those memories haunted me for a long time. They don't anymore.
Just like even thought I still cry over my father, I don't think about it all the time anymore.
You know casey, you just have to remember, that even flowers will still grown from the soil of a grave.
There is beauty in this life. There is pain. And there is happiness.
And pain can turn into something beautiful,and from that happiness. There's a second life to everything.
The way that one person can live for hundreds of years, through their children. The way that animals eat their own kind, and more are born from that.
There is life in death. And there is happiness on this earth.
And maybe, everything happens for a reason too.

I know I'm not a very good example of that. I know that I say I want to die. I just want to be happy.
I know you want that too. Sometimes I almost believe we can have that.

I love you casey, again. I know I'm not very good at showing that either. But I do.
You're my best friend. It's easy to forget what it feels like to be happy sometimes, but I know you've made me happy.

I know you miss your friend. I miss my dad. So I'm trying y best not to give you another person to miss.
I hope you'll do the same for me.

'Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.'

I know you've probably read that before. It's true. Remember how much you're loved.
Remember how much you would be missed. And always remember that you can make your life into anything you want. No matter how big or small.
You want a house in the woods? You want to play the accordion? Make a living from your art. Be happy. You can. Anything you want you can have.
You just gotta try. And I know you do.

I love you.I love you.I love you.
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November 26, 2012
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