please don't hurt yourself

november eleventh

was like a dream.
and i woke up from it a day later in a hospital bed.
a tube in my arm and lots of wires attached to my body.
i think those wires were worried about my heart.

it started with a picture. and i think it ended with a phone call.
but it had nothing to do with that picture or that phone call.
or i think, maybe i'm afraid to admit that it did.

but it's been twelve days since day eleventh of this month.
and i haven't talked about the night in detail with anyone. not even the doctors.
to put a long story short, i'm a failure again. in more ways than one.
and i feel stupid. i feel like i'm running out of lives. i feel like i dont talk enough.
about a lot of things.

i read all the comments you left me when i got home. on the twenty first. and i wish i had read them on the day i posted that  last journal. i don't know if it would have made a difference. but. i guess it doesn't matter anyway because i cant go back in time. all i can do... is appreciate still being around. i feel strange.

to all of you, i want to say..
i feel like i'm drowning when i read those comments.
i feel like i have a lump in my throat.
and i don't know what to say. i want to say thank you.